


Reckless Wrecking-Ball

by Everythingnow



Category: The Walking Dead (Telltale Video Game)
Genre: Clementine is strong, Dead Dove: Do Not Eat, F/F, F/M, Homophobia, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Psychological Trauma, Rape Aftermath, Rape Recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-10-22
Updated: 2020-12-03
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:49:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 14,033
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146890
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Everythingnow/pseuds/Everythingnow
Summary: Her heart is beating fast again, dropped in her stomach once more. Especially as the man starts to talk down to her. His breath is foul.“Lily would just hate to know you’re a dyke,”(I’m not good at summary’s, but, in this case that AJ, Violet, and Clementine are taken, Clementine can only take her chance to fight back. This will be a story of recovery and trauma and might have a major character death. Read at your own will)
Relationships: AJ | Alvin Jr. & Clementine (Walking Dead), Clementine & Louis & Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running), Clementine/Violet (Walking Dead: Done Running)
Comments: 9
Kudos: 36





	1. Unlucky

**Author's Note:**

> TW!!!!!  
> Rape, homophobia, blood, all the bad things. Trust me! If you are sensitive to things like violence please do not read this!

Laying on the dark floor outside the school grounds with the same man she had thrown into a group of walkers just days before; It isn’t exactly the best predicament. 

AJ killed Marlon. There’s no coming back from that. They voted and kicked her and AJ out. Fuck them, they both decided, they could make it and be fine on their own. At least, that’s what she was convinced into believing. It hadn’t been long before parting ways before trouble had found them again. 

She thinks she’s a bad luck charm. Just the opposite of a rabbit’s foot. After being so defiant to the group. Insisting she would be fine on her own, her and AJ have gone from fucking Georgia all the way to this shit hole. They’ve only parted ways once, but they always seem to find trouble every time they’re on the road.

Here she is, refusing to back down from her role as a what? A big sister? A mother? A best friend? She didn’t know what she could consider herself with AJ in mind. Even as she is forced on the ground by a heavy boot she keeps her glare.

AJ, held back by the one-armed man, is causing a scene, until the man pulls and twists the boy’s arm. 

It’s enough to make her wince. Who would hurt a child?

“Stop hurting him!” She yells. “He's just a kid!”

She wishes, then, that she had taught the kid better how to take care of himself. She’s done her best, but when they’re caught like this AJ does stupid things. When she’s in trouble, he just wants to help. Even if that’s not the best path to take in the moment. It’s risky, every time he chooses it. 

She can see Violet, hiding with Louis behind a bush waiting to attack. She signals, the best she can, for them to stop. The piercing glare and gritted look that communicates - yells - not to do anything stupid. For god’s sake, she couldn’t stomach someone she loves being attacked again. 

Lee. Kenny. Jane. Gabe. So many others. 

She knows, if Violet took the shot, she would end up just the same. 

Clementine has been through this before. She’s been taken and hurt too many times to count. The dog, Carver, the farm - how many people has she killed? How many friends has she lost? She doesn’t enjoy thinking about it, much less trying to talk about it with anyone.

The woman on top of Clementine pressed down on her neck. 

She tightens her jaw to refrain from an open wince.

“Do you remember who I am, Clementine?” She asks, turning the girl over with just a foot and the barrel of a gun. Their eyes lock. “Do you?” She presses. 

“I don’t fucking care who you are!” Clementine spits out, as venomously as she can, like she isn’t under threat. Like a rattlesnake, or like a walker’s bite. Something to avoid, but the woman isn’t intimidated. 

The woman just laughs.

“Looks like Lee taught you well, even if he’s not around anymore,” The woman says, moving back. 

Clementine grabs her cap, refusing an offered hand to stand up. She can do it on her own. She won’t be fooled or compelled into a stupid decision by familiarity, just because knows this psychopath.

“You have no right to talk about him. He died a better person than you ever will be,” She snaps.

The woman, Lily, scoffs. She adjusts her gun, getting it pointed right at Clementine. “He was too nice. Raised you right, though. Kept you hard. It’s what this world needs.” She grins. “Let’s make a deal, hm? We used to know each other well, and, honestly, you seem like one Hell of a soldier. You join me, help me get some more of your little group, and you have top priority in that food chain of yours,”

“I’m not in that group anymore. I got kicked out. Their leader is dead. You won’t be able to cut another deal with them, and you can’t just cut a deal with me! I’m not some passive little girl like I used to be,” 

Like she’s not a kid herself. 

She’s pretty sure she turned eighteen a few months ago. She can start counting them, now, since those gross bleedings she started when she was with the New Frontier. She knows, now, that they’re normal, but it shouldn’t. No normal human should bleed that much and be okay walking miles and miles after and during. But they’re useful. It helps her keep track of time. 

“I’m thinking more about having extra hands,” 

It’s intriguing, but no. A place to stay and rest, sure, but a place without Violet. Or Tenn, Ruby or Rosie or Louis. No. She wouldn’t ever leave them. Even if they hated her, she could never turn on them.

“Fuck you and your stupid Delta! You’re going to have to kill me. I won’t ever fucking work for you!” She snarls out. 

“CLEM! WATCH OUT!” 

Then, there comes a flying arrow.

It hits Lily in the shin and her gun goes over. Someone screams as Lily lunges forward. 

Clementine goes blurry. Her mind, her vision, her everything. The last things her senses pick up; AJ crying, something heavy hitting her, blood, from a wound, air knocking out of her lungs, the wilderness, people muffled, but everything swallowed up with an enveloping dark, dark darkness.

And the very last thing, as everything goes dark, she hears, “CLEMENTINE!”

_________\\\\\\\

When Clementine wakes - covered in a cold sweat - she quickly realizes her environment change. 

She’s- she’s on a boat? 

Slowly, she tries to get her surroundings. 

She wakes up in a cold sweat… on a… boat? The young woman questions it, she has her hat,  _ thank god _ , they seemed to have removed all her weapons, including her favorite hunting knife she’s had forever, they’ve even taken the starry pin on her jacket. She questions their motives, what was she going to do with that pin? Stab somebody? Protect herself? She doubts it. Clementine hates to admit it but, she really loved that pin. Violet gave it to her. Violet cared about her… when they kissed under the stars, it was magical. She’s never felt that way about anyone, they laid together watching the stars, and god, does she wish she could go back in time to relive that moment. Everyone was safe. Alive.

“Clem?” 

That’s her voice. The curly-haired girl sits up, eyes frantically looking around the room. No one else was in here with her. Reaching up to touch the Bandaged wound on her head, it aches, causing her vision to be blurry and everything around her to feel so. Dizzy. Maybe it was just because she was on a boat. Hell if she knows that she gets seasick. Swallowing down stomach acid, slowly walking to the barred door. Across the way, she only sees AJ.  _ Fuck fuck fuck fuck.  _ Clementine kicks at the sheet metal. She’s panicking. Violently throwing her foot against it, cursing out.

“Fuck! Are you okay? Did...Did they hurt you?” Aj just shakes his head and answers in that happy voice of his. He’s getting so much better at staying calm. Unlike her. She’s never been good at it, or at least, she thinks so, it’s been a lot worse lately.

“I’m okay Clem, they didn’t hurt me, they. They took violet,”

Her heart drops. No. No, they couldn’t have. Violet was safe. She told her not to shoot! “FUCK!” She exclaims again, panting as she slams her boot against the metal.

“HEY!” The voice is loud, booming. Clementine doesn’t stop, she sees red. She hasn’t been so angry since Marlon… well, maybe she gets angry too easily. She doesn’t like being tied down. It’s not her choice. They aren’t safe. She was being threatened.

“You little shit stop it or I’ll shoot.” Golden eyes lift to glare, piercing into the woman. Clementine didn’t fear guns, or death, she didn’t care if she died. As long as her friends were safe. So, moving closer, making sure the barrel touched her forehead, seemed to be the right idea.

“I dare you,” She spits. 

She doesn’t close her eyes, why would she? She wasn’t a bitch. She couldn’t force herself to be someone who submits. She spits in defiance at the face of many. She will never forget the rush she felt after spitting at David, when he took away her boy, growling about how she stole. She didn’t back down then so why would she back down now?

They stand like that for a while, until the woman pulls down the gun, shaking her head “I don’t have enough time for this bullshit. Next time you act up, your little kid gets the axe,”

No. She swallows down saliva that’s built, it feels like a frog is in her throat. The heart beats so loud, she fears she’s attracting walkers. Did. Did Violet get out? Maybe she escaped. Maybe. Maybe something happened to her… oh god. Something happened to her. 

Pacing and pacing, Clementine finds herself biting her nails as she mumbles to herself. “ _ Stupid stupid stupid, god why couldn’t they just listen to you _ .” She shakes her head, words under her breath, trembling through her body. She couldn’t live with herself if SHE got hurt. 

Clementine can take it. She can… handle pain. She’s been through a lot, some by herself and some with others. The people she’s been with, the times she’s barely gotten away. Her luck is running out.

“Up against the wall,” Growls a voice. Clementine almost doesn’t want to listen. But the quicker she obeys the quicker she can get her and AJ out of there. The quicker she can see Violet. The girl stands back, hands behind her back against the wall. She doesn’t have anything special on her. She can’t get out. It’s not like they have to worry about her doing anything.

It’s  _ her. _

_ They have HER. _

_ She’s crying. HE HURT HER. HE HURT HER. _

She can’t control herself. Even with the head injury and the risk of being shot, she runs forward. Violet. She knew she heard her calling. 

“Stand back!” The woman pushes, Clem feels so weak when she sees the other girl’s tears. Violet is shoved into the cell with AJ. It’s like they know that they’re torturing her. Keeping her away from her loved ones. 

“Fuck you you fucking bitch! I’ll kill you!” Shouts the girl, tears in her eyes. Clementine has never been known as a calm person. She didn’t really show any emotion other than anger and happiness. She mostly took violence as the only answer. Even with the opportunity to not inflict she always took that path. The door is locked again. The woman is gone with a shake of her head.

Through the bars, Clementine watches as AJ checks on Violet. She’s aching to be in there with them. He’s so strong, her little goofball. 

“Minnie.” Violet starts, wiping at her eyes. Clem’s heart tenses. “Minnie is here… she. She killed her sister… it’s. It’s not her. Not anymore. She-they want me to be like them I- I told them to fuck off and they. They hit me. Nothing. Nothing bad happened just-Fuck!” The girl shouts.

Clementine flinches.

“Fuck I’m sorry. I don’t even know why I’m crying. I just. Thought she was dead for so long and. Seeing her now. That’s not the girl I used to know.” Violet wipes at her eyes.

Thank god. 

Leaning forwards, Clementine wishes she could be in that room. Wishes she could provide the needed comfort. Instead, she lays her head on the bars. The place she’s locked in is pretty shittily put together if she does say so herself. If she could get a sharp object she could scrape her way out and grab that lock that rests by the floor. Her arms are skinny enough, she can reach through the bars. The young woman reaches her hand out towards her lover.

“I’m gonna get us out of here. I promise,” Her eyes are locked with Violets. It reminds her of that night. How much fun they had together. Her first real kiss, her first real-time doing anything romantic. She liked Gabe before too but… his fate didn’t end well. She had to kill him before he turned. Too many people in her life have ended like that. Dead. Bitten. Turned.

She won’t let the light go out in Violet's eyes.

“They took the pin,” The brunette murmurs. “The one you made me. You know. Guess I could’ve gotten out with it,” She laughs dryly. She’s talking as she kicks out the metal sheet. “AJ, do you still have that knife?” She asks, the kid nods.

“Yeah Clem they took the big one but I still got this one,” He shows it to her and she’s never been so happy to have raised this kid right. AJ always knew how to make a situation better.

“Slide it over kiddo.” When he does she catches it with her boot, stepping over it to keep it in place.”Good job Goofball,” Slowly, she starts to chip away at the metal sheet. Chipping away at the shitty nuts and bolts holding it to the door. Slowly pulling out the lock from the bottom as she moves the metal sheet. Yes! Finally! She can get out.

“I love you,” Clementine says strong-willed. She has that fire back in her. They will get out. They will escape.

“I love you too,” Violet responds back, a smile, that’s all Clem asked for. And she was happy that was what she received. However, the happiness is not held for longer than a minute. A chill running down her spine as she hears an all to familiar laugh.

“Ugh. People like this still fucking exist?”

_ Him. _

Minerva seems to be his back up, walking in to keep watch. She seems tense. Angry. In any other situation, Clementine would have laughed. She stole her girlfriend, certainly, Minnie wouldn’t be too happy with her. Clementine wasn’t expecting her to be a pale red-headed woman, skinny and scared. She looked worse for the wear than any of the kids at Ericsson’s. 

“Seems we have ourselves a dirty little faggot in our fine Delta,” This shit-eating grin lands on his disgusting face. He has missing teeth from his lack of hygiene and his terrible smoking habits. He and Minnie towered over Clementine. Adjusting his pants, Abel finds himself focused on a lesson he once taught Minerva himself. Faggots shouldn’t exist in a world like this. There are too little people for someone to exist like that. They will ruin the population.

Her heart is beating fast again, dropped in her stomach once more. Especially as the man starts to talk down to her. His breath is foul.

“Lily would just hate to know you’re a dyke,” He sighs, it seems so overdramatic. She furrowed her eyebrows in anger, baring her teeth. She’s almost like an animal. “Like this girl right here used to be. Am I right?”

“Ye-yes sir,”

She can feel her body freezing. He must be fucking with her. Right? ”My love life is none of your business, asshole,” She hisses. Even with the threat of a weapon pointed at her, she doesn’t want to back down. She will tear out his goddamn eyes if he touches her. She will make sure his death is the longest possible. No mercy. She’s seen and heard and dealt with it. They’ve tried and they’ve never succeeded with her. And she always had trigger happy AJ. He didn’t let people hurt her.

“Strip for me, bitch,”

“Excuse me?”

Clementine growls, her golden eyes fiery with rage. The fuck did this man think she was? An object of lust? Impossible. She’s not that. She’s..she doesn’t think of herself or anyone else in that way. She hasn’t had the time to think about sex or anything sexual with AJ by her side constantly. Sex was a foreign concept to Clementine. She knows that like, a penis and a vagina and all that but. You can’t exactly get sexual education in a zombie apocalypse.

Minerva pushes the weapon closer to her head.

“Yo-you heard what he said. Please. Don’t fight back. I don’t want to do this to you,” But there is a certain happiness in her eyes. Like she likes this. Like she wants, what is about to happen, to happen.

“Fuck you. I’m not doing that, asshole,” 

He cackles.  _ This is not fucking funny! _ .

“Oh little girl, see I need to make a woman out of you, and if you struggle I’m just gonna make it hurt worse,” He says.

She shudders. Ew. That was disgusting. She can't do that, it’s gross. AJ and Violet are in the cell over, she can’t. She can’t do that! She looks Minnie in the eyes, she’s superior. Even if the bitched towered over her. “Stop pointing that stupid fucking thing at my head. And keep your finger off the trigger!” 

Hands are up in defense as Abel walks away from the cell. Minnie is standing in front of the door. One person has a weapon and a one-armed man. With only one arm you’d think she could overpower him. Not with the crossbow, Minerva has at her head. No, she makes a split decision. Now is the time to fight back. She pulls herself back, and with one heavy and quick motion, she busts the door open, hitting the two on the way out. She fumbles with the locks on Violets and AJ’s door. She fumbles for only a second.

And she loses.

Minerva grabs her by the hair, kicking her down. A knife in hand clementine fights back ss much as she can. Her hands on the knife. Trying to turn it upwards. She’s no match to the young woman who has blood lust in her eyes.

“AH!” The brunette cries out as the knife plunges near her collarbone. Fuck! “Get off of me!” She screams, kicking, hitting, then she's pinned. She’s bleeding.

“Just sit still you goddamn bitch,” Minnie spits, eyes crazed, twisting the knife.

Abel tsks. “You’re gonna stop fighting little girl, or maybe I’ll have to show you’re little girlfriend what it’s like to be with a man,” He licks his lips.

“No! Fucking don’t touch her you motherfucker!” She cries, pushing away hands, the knife digs deeper, her hair is pulled again. She cries out in pain.

“I need to make you a proper lady. Now, shut up and fucking take it slut. With that mouth of yers It’s gonna make my job a whole lot harder,” He growls. “Now, let me see that body of yers, wasting it away on a woman. I bet yer real fertile...” He licks his lips.”I’ve always liked my women mixed. Your breed is a real delicacy these days.” Grubby hands rub up her sides, trying desperately to grope her through her many layers of clothes.

“Sir. Not in front of the child,” says Minerva. Who isn’t helping. She chooses instead to keep Clementine.

“I guess, help me move her body, she is a lady, she does deserve herself a bed,” The man says. 

“FUCKING LET HER GO YOU PIECE OF SHIT!” Violet is banging on the bars, screaming for them to stop. AJ is crying, shouting with Violet. Trying anything. Everything. 

Clementine fights back, hard, bucking her legs, not caring about how much pain the knife in her chest is, she has only eyes on killing this ugly motherfucker that’s on top of her. Minnie has her pinned. . For some reason they have the strength of oxen. Clementine wishes she was taller, heavier, maybe if she was built like Ruby she would’ve gotten away. Minerva pulls off her hat and tosses it to the ground. In an act of defiance, she spits, aiming for the red-headed woman’s eyes. “Fuck you!” She growls, crying out in pain as Minnie twists the knife again.

“So little, haha, you look like a little boy, not much a woman at all,” The man grunts.”Maybe that’s why you like girls, hm? Are you actually a little boy?” He teases, Clementine feels herself tearing up. She’s practically got nothing without her layers and layers of clothes. He’s pulling off her leather jacket, whistling at the scars.

“What the fuck is that bitch?” He asks, tracing over the old branding from the New Frontier. Like she would tell him. She just keeps growling and struggling. Abel takes no time to raise his first. For a one-armed guy, he throws a powerful punch. “Answer me you dumb little faggot!” He growls, “Or I’m gonna fuck your ass. Tear you open and let you die from my dick!” He growls.”What’s it gonna be?”

“The-the new frontier, it was a group, I don’t remember where. They did brandings to keep track of the members. They hated me,” She says.

“That’s a boring story. Keep it to yourself next time,” He grumbles, sitting up and slowly pulling his own pants down. Clementine hasn’t. Really seen a penis before. Besides like, changing AJ’s diapers. This was different. She’d rather change a million diapers before having to live this ever again. Her hands are pushed into the shitty springy mattress. They’ve taken her hair out of a neatly made makeshift ponytail. She doesn’t like it. 

Abel is pulling down her jeans next, not even bothering to pull off her boots, not bothering to pull them hardly past her knees, she sobs as the man pulls her panties to the side.

“Would you look at that! A beautiful woman, she is.” He smirks. “Come on pretty lady, never had a cock before?” He asks with a revolting smile. She weakly kicks, trying to get away but fuck the knife is twisted in further. 

“Just enjoy it,” Says the redheaded woman sitting atop of her. He pulls in close, his breath fucking reeks of tobacco. Nothing makes her feel sicker.

He tries to kiss her, but as he forces his tongue inside of her unwilling mouth, Clementine bites down hard enough to rip off the tip, growling. Spitting the flesh back into his face. She wouldn’t give up this fucking fight.

“Motherfucker!” He shouts, blood down his chin, anger boiling in his eyes. “You’ll regret this you dumb stupid fucking cunt!” When she kicks it seems to be the last straw.

A massive hand wraps around her throat. It’s too strong, with her hands forced onto the bed no amount of kicking will save her this time. This long drawn out fight for her life is ending now, as she starts to drain, her face turning a certain shade of blue that no human should look.

She hates the way her body reacts under pressure. Abel takes his hand away. “Dirty fucking whore, you pissed yourself! You’re fucking disgusting,”

She can hardly listen, trying her hardest to breathe. He shouts, roughly pulling off the jeans, ripping off her boots, grabbing her thigh, and pulling her closer.

Grabbing his penis he slowly pulls her panties to the side again.”So fucking disgusting,” He breathes out.”I can’t wait to fucking ruin you!” He laughs.

“Stop! Stop! Stop! Stop!” Clementine slurs out, her voice is mostly gone. Covered in cuts and bruises, her neck already turning purple from the pressure he forced on her neck. He pulls back and misses thrusting in about three times before it’s forcing its way in.

_ No. _

It’s painful. So blindingly painful. Clementine hasn’t cried like this since she lost AJ… she hasn’t…. maybe not even since Lee. No. She shouldn’t ruin the thought of him during this time. Her hands scratch at Minnie, begging her to let go. Kicking weakly. Thrusting in and out. The noises are terrible. The sound of the mattress squeaking with each rough thrust. 

“Oh yeah baby, fucking so good,” The man moans out. 

She wants to throw up, snot everywhere, wet tears pouring like an overflowing cup, her own piss, and whatever the fuck else on the sheets. The warm liquid is replaced with another. Copper smelling. Oh god. Her nails dig into Minnie's hand.

“Please stop please stop,” She sobs out. It’s wet, but not with arousal, it’s with blood.

It’s not pleasant. The sound, or the smell. She can  _ smell  _ her own blood, feeling it cake against her thighs. No that’s not right. Loud sobs of pain escaping the girl as the man gives no mercy to her. Moaning, calling her names. Racial insults. The bed creaks, each noise makes her feel sicker and sicker to her stomach.

It takes only a few minutes before She feels numb, the pain hasn’t faded, she just chooses not to feel it. Staring at the ceiling. She’s on the bed in some shitty room. She feels like she’s going to throw up. Wasn’t sex supposed to be magical?

“My beautiful woman, fuck, doesn’t being with a man feel so much better,”

No. No, it hurts. She wants to beg him to stop, but she can’t. She’s not strong enough. Not anymore.

He comes inside of her. She lays still. silent. Sobbing. She’s never felt so small in all her life. She should have never driven north. She should’ve gone west. She wouldn’t be here. Not in Virginia. She didn’t belong here.

He pulls out and makes a noise of disgust. “Ugh, that disgusting n-”. She blocks out the words, that hateful dreaded word. “Get that’s bitch cleaned up before Lily sees,” With that, the man wipes his cock up and pushes his dick back into his pants, walking out of the room like nothing ever happened.

Clementine can’t stop shaking. She can hear AJ crying. She can hear Violet begging them to let her go...she can’t feel anything. The pain is in the back of her head. She feels like she did when she got shot for the very first time.

Minerva slowly made her way back into the room, a wet washcloth in hand.

“I told you not to struggle,” She says softly. “He did the same thing to me. It only gets worse..” she says, wiping up the blood on the trembling girl’s inner thighs. She winces every time she’s touched. “Fuck. You bled a lot more than I did. Were you? You know, a virgin?”

Clementine doesn’t answer. But the way she cries tells Minnie all she needs to know.

“That sucks for you,” She says, making a disgusted face as she cleans out the semen from inside of the broken shell.

“You need to pull it together idiot. You won’t survive another day on this ship if you don’t,”

Clementine cries out as Minnie removes the knife from her, twitching and groaning, curling up into herself, there was so much blood.

Minerva smiles, slowly patching her up. She seems so happy to have witnessed the horrendous act. “You should’ve said yes to Lily, you  _ lost _ ,”


	2. cumbersome and heavy body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “You’re going to hurt yourself acting so tough.”
> 
> “Fuck off.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: blood and gore, all tw stand from the beginning

_ She can hear sobbing. It echoes. Then, the deep breathing of the horse she’s riding. The ash in the air raining down on her like a storm.  _ _  
_ _  
_ _ AJ.  _ __  
_  
_ __ AJ…

_ Where are you, little goofball?  _

_ She can hear AJ crying now. Where is he? The farm- it isn’t safe. _

When she opens her eyes, she’s almost saddened to see that it wasn’t the farm. She barely wants to pull up her pants for the next thirty minutes. Defenseless, her clothes are dirty now. Nothing she hasn’t dealt with before. Never dirty like this. She hasn’t. Wet herself in years, the last time it happened they were in that terrible dairy. When they almost made her eat that guy's leg and she was like, nine years old. They grabbed her by her hair and screamed at her, held a gun to her head to threaten Lee. She was so scared. Laying in the bed. Aching. Hurting. Had that really just happened? The way he pushed inside of her and took what he wanted. She can’t believe she let him take pleasure in seeing her cry. She never cries. She’s not. She’s not weak.

She remembers. When her and Lilly were so close. When she wasa dumb naive child. So scared. Hiding behind the strong military woman, she was so little. Lilly was so strong. When they were in that barn and Kenny killed Larry. Clementine had been so scared, she couldn’t stop crying. Lilly and Lee took care of her. When she was a defenseless scared creature. When Lee trusted Lilly. Before Lilly went batshit fucking crazy.

She doesn’t have time to deal with this. No. Old memories. Pain. She needs to keep moving forward. Clementine takes a deep breath. She can’t keep crying. She can’t keep focusing on the pain. The hands. The breath. The feeling. No. No more thoughts. Violet and Aj are silent.

They know she’s weak now. Slowly, sitting up, her stomach churns. She still feels so sick. Stumbling to the small sink in the room,she ignores her friends. It doesn’t take much before she’s gagging and retching, shaking as she vomits, her hair falling in her face.

“Clem….” it’s weak. They pity her.

“I’m fine.” She grunts, spitting out the rest of the acidic bile. She needs to stop her legs from trembling. Running her hands through her dirty hair she tries her best to pull it back. Lee was right. It just gets in the fucking way.

She can see herself. In the shitty mirror. She hates the way he’s made her look. Pale. Bruised.  _ Small.  _ She sneers at herself. She sees a child. A weak defenseless baby. She still has blood on her face, for when she bit the shit out of him. 

At least she fought back. 

Her hands tremble, running through thick and curly hair. It’s too long, trying to put it back up is useless. He told her to keep it short. He told her. She should’ve listened. Clementine pats around her jeans, ah, they didn’t take it. She slowly reaches in her back pocket and takes that tiny knife AJ had given her out. She takes a deep breath, staring in the mirror.

_ “They’ll grab onto you if you keep it long.” Lee explains to the crying girl as he uses the knife to cut her thick coarse hair. He wishes she could keep being a little girl. No, he has to teach her that she can’t be so innocent anymore. How to shoot a gun. How to not trust just anyone. “I’m sorry Clem.” She wipes at her eyes, holding onto that cap her daddy gave her.  _

_ “I look like a  _ **_boy_ ** _ ” _

With anger and pain bursting through her, Clementine quickly and violently begins to saw off her hair, tears falling down slow. Salty. Her teeth bared and gritted, staring at those eyes of hers. This week bitch staring back at her. Panicked breathing. Settling in. She can taste copper, she can smell the tobacco on her own clothes. She reeks from him. Curly locks of hair fall into the sink. Until she feels safe. Her eyes are so red. She snarls. That wasn’t her. That reflection, it was lying! She pulls back her fist, slamming towards that shitty mirror, letting out an angered cry. 

_ “Keep that hair short Clementine.” _

_ Oh. _

Her hand drips with blood from the glass in her knuckles. Woah. This pain. It felt different. Controlled. She caused it. She looks at the disgusting amalgamation of hair, blood, and shards of glass from the broken mirror. Minnie is watching. Keeping guard. She has the biggest fucking smile on her face.

“What Clem, can’t handle a little bit of pressure?” She sneers, teasing. No. Clementine just smiles. Ignoring the question. She instead decides to say.

“I’m gonna kill you.” sitting back down in that terrible bed, a soft laugh escaping her. The memories want to flood back. She just sits, shakily pulling out the glass from her knuckles. Heavy boots come down the hall. Clementine tenses. Please god don’t let it be  _ him _ .  _ Please _ .

Seeing a familiar woman’s face brings her a sense of joy. Even if it’s Lilly. She stands back as she is told. But she knows what she is willing to do. Clementine glares as the woman looks her over. She doesn’t know what happened, this is easily understood by the wonder of the bandaged wound on her chest.

“Who did that?” 

Clementine grits her teeth and refuses to answer, he hands balling into fists at her sides. No. She needed to keep calm. She can see that vile girl in the background. Slowly the much taller much older woman sits down onto the bed, keeps the gun pointed at the trembling young woman standing in front of her. “You need to answer me Clementine.” 

“Minnie. Abel.” 

She can’t say she didn’t expect that. Abel was her right hand man. He never did shit like that to her, but then again she wasn’t a little girl. Not his type. Not like he could overpower Lilly. No one could. Not even the brat in front of her. Though, she hates to see her so weak. It’s an embarrassment.

“You’re going to hurt yourself acting so tough.”

“ _ Fuck off. _ ” growls the young woman, sweat starting to build.

“Let me tell you a story. Of twins, one weak and one strong. When the twins came to delta, one of them decided she knew what was best, took the deal and worked as hard as she could to be one of us. The other refused to work. Wished for peace. She even had these stupidescape plans that never worked. She was stubborn. Just like you.” The woman scoffs. Clementine leans against the wall for support. She doesn’t give enough of a fuck about this goddamn story right now. She’s sweating, it’s hard to stay up, keep that strange brave face of hers. Fuck. She wasn’t strong enough to keep up the facade forever. This was only the beginning.

“Are you listening to me little girl?” Lilly snaps her fingers, trying to get Clementine's attention. The pained woman sends the silent fuck you with her eyes. Lilly smiles. “ the second twin refused to cooperate. So. The first one did what she had to do. The first twin killed her sister, Isn’t that right, Minerva.”

“Minnie tell me she’s fucking lying.” Whimpers Violet from the other cell. Clementine wants to imagine she could comfort. But instead. She just keeps herself up. Focusing on not collapsing.

“Yes ma’am.” 

Why would she be surprised? Not even hours ago  _ SHE  _ was holding her down while that man violated her. She shudders and pushes back the memory. She has to be strong. Has to keep going. Lilly goes on with her lecture, Clementine can feel herself slowly succumbing to the pain. She doesn’t make it much longer trying to stay planted on her feet.

“Come on Clementine. I have work for you to do Little girl, Abel needs help with the engine. Maybe if he gives you a good word I can give you back this.” She says, taking the cap off the ground.”hm?” She’s waving it around.

“Lilly please. Don’t.” 

“Didn’t your daddy give this to you? Fuck it’s almost as old as you are.” She sighs, setting it back down.”I get it kid.” Shaking her head as she stands up.”come on, get your ass together, you’re going to help if you like it or not. Sure you would like some food for you and your friends. Maybe I’ll let you guys eat together. Hm? Doesn’t that sound nice Clem?”

Clementine shudders. She can hardly stand but. Fuck it sounded like a good idea.”okay. I. I’ll do it. Okay? Don’t make me do it with him. Please.”

“I knew you were a good kid.”

And with that, she’s gone. Clementine can finally let go of this bravery. Her weak legs can’t keep her body up any longer, she collapses onto the floor, panting in pain. God. That foul man did a number on her. She. Should be used to pain, like this. At least she can rest. Slowly her eyes close again. She can’t let down her guard yet. Too weak to do much of anything else, she finds herself falling asleep on the floor, leaned up against the wall, shuddering in pain.

—

She took Aj. Fuck sitting. Fuck resting from the pain. She fucking took AJ.  _ They’re going to hurt him. They’ll kill him. He’s not good with people. _

Clementine is on the floor, at least she’s dressed. Even if her weak legs can’t get her up. They’re going to hurt AJ. She knows it, they already hurt her, how broken do they want her to be? She said yes. Maybe. Maybe if AJ didn’t kill marlon. If she didn’t go downstairs when marlon was beating Brody. Maybe if she didn’t bash Brodie’s brains in. Maybe it would’ve been better for the both of them if she had let the walker bite and tear and let the relief of death wash over her. Maybe if she would’ve just shot marlon her fucking self. Fuck. It’s overwhelming.

In minutes She’s being led to the boiler room before she can say much of anything. Shoveling coal into the fire underside the boat. He’s watching her, the girl is sweating, shaking, trying her hardest to keep up the work because her rapist is holding a gun to her head. Watching her move. It Makes her sick. She wishes Lilly would’ve just listened to her.

“Yah know, I’m sorry I was so brutal with you yesterday princess.” He says as he steps closer, putting the gun in his back pocket, pulling her in by the waist. The hand leading up to her hair. He frowns.”Why’d yah do this? Hm? Now you just look like a boy.” He shakes his head. Clementine glares. If she wasn’t so weak she’d. Oh. It’s only him. Only him. She holds the shovel in her hand tighter.When he reaches for her breast she doesn’t seem to have anymore hesitation. Especially as he says.”Can’t wait to have some more fun with you.” Clementine's hands hold tighter, her eyes are burning with anger. 

“ _ Don’t” _

“Come on, sweet pea, just lemme touch you.” 

She freezes. No. Lee used to call her that. The name can’t be tarnished. She held so much hope to that nickname. He’s a disgusting man, horrible disgusting revolting.

“I’m not…”shaking her head, she doesn’t feel brave enough to finish the sentence. He’s feeling her up as he mocks her.

“You’re not what? Huh bitch? Spit it out.” The hand slowly leading down her pants she-

“I’m not your FUCKING sweet pea!!” She shouts. The adrenaline running through her, like when she spat at David. Pulling up the shovel she’s never been happier that Javier taught her how to use a baseball bat. It makes this so much easier. Hitting someone in the head with a shovel is a satisfying feeling, watching as one of Abels rotten teeth fly out of his mouth, it makes her smile.. How did that feel? Huh? Pervert? How did that fucking feel? She can feel her heart pumping hard. Especially as she hits the man's weak knees, when he falls to the ground with that bloody nose. 

“This is for putting your disgusting hands where they don’t belong!” She growls, the sharp side of the shovel going towards that last remaining hand.

“GAH! You fucking bitch!” Cries the man in pain. She smiles, slamming down the metal over and over against the bloody limb until it no longer is attached to the body below her. 

“This! This is for putting your dick inside of Girls who don’t fucking want it.” The sharp edge hits the mans penis, she digs in further, going as far as to put her foot down against it, like she was digging up a grave. He’s begging her for mercy. A mercy that won’t come. 

When she lifts up the dripping shovel he curses her.

“Fuck you you dumb fucking Ni-“ she doesn’t let him finish, instead she slams the shovel onto his foul face. Over and over and over and over, blood on her hands her clothes her face. Clementine likes watching the way his eyes pop out then cave in. She doesn’t fucking care. Watching as brains splatter onto the floor, teeth being broken and caved in , breaking him just as he broke her , she keeps going. She knows. How good Kenny felt when he killed carver, when she watched she felt happy. He deserved it. Abel deserves this. 

Blood and brain matter oozes from the crevice that can no longer be identified as a human face. She finds herself holding the crimson dripping shovel closer, a smile wide on her face as giggles slowly start bubbling up from her stomach. They leave much louder than she intends too, holding herself up with the shovel as she laughs, drawing up saliva and spitting down on the mushy mess that was Abel. Fuck. She was taking back this boat. She was taking back her life.

———-

She put something she shouldn’t have into the boiler, Abels disgusting body and maybe some explosives she’s found. She walks around with the heavy shovel, blood lust in her eyes, limping, staggering. When she hits one of the female guards over the head, she’s happy to exchange her weapon. A shovel to a crossbow. Fuck yeah. She kills without meaning. She doesn’t care who these people are. They hurt her. They hurt her friends. She shows mercy with one singular shot to the head instead of letting them live with a shot to the leg or shoulder. She doesn’t want walkers on the ship. She stumbles along, until she’s in the room with Minnie. Who is sitting and talking to Violet. Making her cry. Clementine doesn’t stop herself, the weapon goes up.

“Don’t you fucking move.” She hisses.”Get her out of there or I’ll blow your fucking brains out.” Minnie seems defiant. But then slowly heads down to unlock the door. It’s like she’s learned a lesson, When Clementine least expects it, she lunges, the crossbow is knocked out of her arms, and she is pushed to the ground. Minnie is so fucking strong, she has her hands wrapped around her throat and Clementine can’t stop remembering. His hands all over her, the man between her legs. No. She would not fall victim to this treatment again.

“You’re weak! You could never fucking kill me-ah!“ her words are cut off by a scream as an arrow goes through her shoulder, Clementine pushes her off. Goddamn. Violet stands with the crossbow in her arms, holding a hand out to her girlfriend. 

Clementine smiles, her eyes give a shine as she takes the woman’s hand. They’re getting the fuck off this ship.

“You should leave Vi.” She breathes.”I’ll be okay. I want you to be safe. Me and AJ have this. Yeah?” 

“I’m coming with you!” Violet tries, but Clementine shakes her head.

“Please… I can’t lose you, be safe.” The young woman kisses her lover’s forehead. “get back home, we can. “ she pauses. “We WILL meet you there. Please. Trust me. Tell Louis. What happened. Tell him I’m going to need Ruby’s medical attention. We can leave after that but. I can’t just keep walking right now.” She admits. It’s one thing that makes her weak. She can’t be weak right now.

Violet grabs her by the face, both hands on either side, making Clementine look into her eyes. She can get lost in the forest that was those beautiful green eyes. They’re brave, passionate. Strong.. “Clem. You have me. You’re my ride or die, and I’m not letting you get killed just because you want to be brave. Come on, we can do this together, you can’t do this on your own.” She insists, Clementines eyes shift, not wanting to look directly into Violets as she finds herself flushed.

“Okay. Yeah. We can do this. Together?”

“Together.” 

With one last kiss they break away, focused on heading up to the deck, where Lilly is pointing a gun at AJ. That bitch. He’s yelling at her, telling her that he will never listen to her. Telling her she was evil. A terrible woman who deserved to die. Clementine and Violet sneak down low to the floor, crouched and moving quietly. Slowly heading to where the confrontation was. Where AJ is being talked down too, pushed around. Treated like crap. It’s only when an explosion from below rocks the deck does she jump for the gun. Lunging at the woman who is taken by surprise. Lilly slams the young woman into the metal wall behind her. 

“Clementine! What the fuck is wrong with you, I don’t want to have to do this to you but you’re leaving me no choice.” Clementine can hardly stand, having to use the wall as support, wheezing as she pulls herself up. God. Lilly was so fucking strong.

“Fuck you.” She hisses. 

She’s not strong enough to fight back, crumpling like a piece of paper as Lilly head butts her, blood shoots out the teens nose like a waterfall. Her head is hit over and over and over against tht crapy metal, she can’t hear, she can’t hardly keep herself up. When the gun is held at her head. She almost feels happy. Closing her eyes, she wants to lean into it.  _ Give me _ death she thinks, a smile twinging on her lips. 

Lilly’s scream rings out and her eyes slowly open. She’s not dead. But Lilly now has a knife plunged into her leg, come to think of it Clementine recognozies that knife. It takes her a moment to realize the leader dropped her gun.

In a desperate attempt, Clementine reaches, but hands are clawing at her face. “CLEMENTINE DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE.” , trying to blind and hurt, Clementine kicks the knife in her leg, causing Lilly to fall to her knees.

She’s tossed to the side like garbage.

Slowly, Clementines hand finds the rail, the touch of cool steel against her palm. Raising herself off of the floor, panting. Bleeding. Everything around her is muffled. Through her blurry vision she can see the AJ has the gun pointed to Lilly’s head.

“Come on buddy, think of all you can have, you wouldn’t do this, I can help you come on-“

Clementine feels the need to interrupt. Shouting. “AJ! Shoot!” and he does. And he keeps going. Gunshot after gunshot rings out on the boat. Until AJ is out of bullets. That’s when the giant finally falls. Blurry eyed watching Lilly dead at her feet. Checkmate.

_ I WIN! _

She wants to dance, cry, laugh, however; their glory is short lived, as AJ is rushing towards her, the boat makes a terrible creaking noise. “AJ! Watch out!” A firey explosion knocks her into the air, when she lands she can’t keep consciousness. Wheezing and whimpering, she can hardly breathe as darkness falls over her.


	3. I need you here to stay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What?” Violet blinks in shock at the unhappy tone.”but I really mean it Clem, what they did was-“  
> “Fucked? Yeah I know...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen to Line without a hook by Ricky Montgomery while reading this chapter, idk why but it hits harder :)

An eerie ringing goes through her head as she lays on the shore. Her clothes are soaked. Freezing down to her core despite the massive firey mess that lay in the water. She did it. She caused this, the hundreds of walkers rushing to the noise. Her hats gone.  _ Oh.  _ She feels a tear fall but ignores the feeling. It was time anyway. She didn’t deserve something like that for so long. Slowly dragging herself up, out of the freezing cold water, she manages to get on her feet. Where is AJ? Violet? Panic seems to be settling in as she frantically looks around.

“Clem?” 

She steps forward at the sound of her name being called. Limping over to the sound. Her eyes tear up in joy as AJ and Violet sit in cover, thank god, they didn’t get hurt much. AJ’s arm is a little cut and Violet seems to have a few nicks on her. With a bit of medicine, they’ll all be okay. Well. Expect for the girl who is holding her wounded side, hardly able to walk, or breathe without wheezing. Maybe a rib is broken or something. Bruised was more likely. They don’t have time for hugs or talking, they have to evade the hoard.

“Come on Guys, let’s get back to the school.” She says, like her body isn’t broken. Talking with a shaking confidence. She has to hold onto Violet for support as they begin moving, AJ helps with her knife he had found by the shore. A walker is gettting closer and closer, AJ is about to kill it when it grabs his hand, holding a finger to its mouth to signify the to be quiet. Clementine can tell by the look on AJ’s face that he almost screams. It would’ve made her laugh in any other situation. They have no other choice but to follow the mysterious man. Dressed in… walker skins?

They’re led to a small cave, to which Clementine promptly collapses in once they reach safety. Whimpers and grunts of pain escape her. Although nothing beats the searing pain between her legs, it’s getting harder to breathe.

“Are you three alright?” The man's voice is so soft when he speaks, she almost can’t hear him. Taking off that mask there was actually a handsome face underneath there. She doesn’t think this young man could shock her anymore. Something had to mentally be wrong with him. The way he acted… normal people didn’t wear walker skins! Violet is holding her hand, she feels comforted enough to let go of the worry of him being a threat.

“We’re fine but she’s not.” Violet says, wiping the sweat off of her girlfriend's face. Clementine whines, she doesn’t want to be the center of attention. At least Violet isn’t being like AJ, who seems terrified to touch her. 

“My names James.” He says as he starts the small fire, lighting up the cold cave. “I have some supplies maybe I can help, where does it hurt?” He asks the young woman, who seems so pained. James wasn’t blind. He can see the deep purple and green bruises that wrap around the young woman’s neck, the blood on her face from her seemingly broken nose. He can tell something happened. Something bad. These poor people. They needed his help. 

James seemed kind but. What was this feeling… she almost feels- oh No she’s scared of him. He’s a tall man, although soft in the face he seems. Terrifying to her. A stranger. He could do what Abel did.  _ Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck!  _ This wasn’t happening! She wasn’t scared of some guy, she was never scared! She couldn’t let herself down by being such a fucking weakling. She’s made it too far to be scared.

“My chest.” She pants, Violet squeezes her hand a little tighter. James frowns. The chest? He doesn’t really have enough medical knowledge to know what’s wrong with this strange girl, but he can try to help. Digging through his supplies for bandages. Something to bind maybe, anything he can use to help.

“I think I have enough to bind your ribs if you’d let me.”

Violet interrupts the mans sentence. “Thanks but she doesn’t really want to be touched by a stranger right now, no offense to you, she’s, been through a lot.” His confidence dwindles a bit as Violet speaks over him. “Give me those bandages, I can help her okay, just, look away while I do it.” James seems worried, but luckily for Clementine he hands over the roll of bandages.

“I’m sorry.” She says, Clementine just looks away as Violet pulls up her shirt making sure the two boys had their eyes away. Maybe this wasn’t the best way to see your lovers breasts for the first time but, Violet was the only one who can help. Even then though the girl underneath Violet’s hands still trembles like a leaf at any touch. It takes her a while. A long while, but she finally gets It bound well enough that the wheezing isn’t nearly as bad. Kissing Clementines cheek she pulls the woman in for a hug. “I told you we could do it together.” She whispers. Clementine does smile at that, it’s small and short lived but it is still a smile. AJ is staring at her, she can tell by the way he’s fidgeting. Usually he’d be interested in James and the weird fucking walker face he had on when they met, but instead, he’s just staring.

“Goofball, I’m okay, you can come sit by me.” She wasn’t okay. It was alright to lie sometimes. She felt so much pain, she was taking every bit of her not to just pass out. She can’t stop thinking about it. Feeling him inside of her, his hands on her bruised neck. Her thoughts and memories are interrupted, because soon as she speaks AJ rushes to her, enveloping her in this massive hug that she never expected from the boy. He must’ve really missed her, he holds her close. She can hear him cry. She can feel her shirt getting wet with tears and snot as she pulls him in closer.

“Oh goofball...what’s wrong?” The young woman asks, patting his back, she forgets sometimes. He’s so young. He always acts so tough for her sometimes it’s hard to tell just how old the boy was. She was like 11 when he was born. And he’s been her’s since. She hardly remembers his birthday either. It was cold or something. He’s had to be 6, maybe 7. Fuck. She can’t remember.

“I’m so sorry Clem, I tried to help I did, I always stop them when they try to hurt you. I couldn’t help you. That’s never gonna happen again.” He cries. Clementine feels herself tear up again. The emotions are bubbling up inside of her until she feels like she can’t hold them in anymore. Pulling AJ in as close as possible she tells him this.

“It’s not your fault, please. It’s nobody’s fault. That was a bad man, and he and Lilly can’t hurt us anymore okay? I’ll be alright, please don’t cry.” Shes choking up as she speaks, so hypocritical. Telling him not to cry as tears fall down her cheeks. “I love you. You did so much for me. I’m just happy you’re safe. Okay?” Her hand runs through his thick hair. He looks just like his dad. She finds herself pushing back down those tears again. Yeah. She would be okay. For AJ. For Violet. For everyone. He falls asleep in her arms, Violet is petting through her hair as AJ rests and James keeps watch. He seems like a nice enough guy. She wishes they didn’t have to be stuck in such a small cave. 

“Clem.” The older girl starts, then looks off, then pulls her girlfriend in closer. “You’re gonna need to see Ruby when we get back and. And I’m not going to let them throw you or AJ out.” She promises. Clementine nods softly in response, shivering from the cold despite being between two warm bodies. “I. I love you Clem. And I mean it. None of that bullshit I had with Minnie. I. I don’t want to see you hurt ever again. I. I almost busted my hand trying to get to you. And it still wasn’t enough-“

“Stop apologizing.” 

“What?” Violet blinks in shock at the unhappy tone.”but I really mean it Clem, what they did was-“

“Fucked? Yeah I know. They fucking did it to me and so what. Why don’t you just scream to the world that I’m weak? So fucking what? He raped me. I smashed his fucking head in with a shovel and laughed when He begged for mercy. End of story. I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want your pity. I don’t want everyone to look at me like I’m just some strange fucking creature. I don’t want you to think I’m weak just because some asshole decided to shove his dick in me.” She shakes her head, pissed. “You can’t let anyone know. Not Louis, not Mitch, not Tenn, not anybody. Except for Ruby. I want her to fix my stupid shit back up and then I want it to just go away.” Tears drip down her face steadily. Flowing like rain on a heavy summer storm in Georgia. Where she used to fucking live. She wishes she had Lee. Lee wouldn’t treat her like she was some little doll that would be broken. He would know what to do. He wouldn’t have let him touch her.

“Clem breathe.”

She can’t. She can’t breathe. It’s all too much. She misses Kenny, she misses Jane, she misses Javi, she misses Kat and Duck and the way things used to be. Rebecca. Alvin. Bonnie. Javi. Gabe. Nick. Pete. Sarah.  _ Fuck!  _ Bubbles of whimpers and pained noises start to leave her throat until they turn into panicked sobs. She wants her mom. Her dad. She wants Lee. Fuck! She’d do anything for a hug from fucking anyone she used to know. Even Lilly before shit went down. She wishes she were little again. That she didn’t have to deal with the pain. The way her hands shake. The way her eyes burn from these foreign tears. It’s been so long since she’s cried over nothing. The way she cries now. She wants the aching to stop. She wants the phantoms hands to leave her alone. She wants to stop feeling so much pain between her legs every time she fucking walks. She can’t take it. The way they look at her, the way they treat her like such a delicate object because she’s not fucking  _ DELICATE _ .

Stop.

Stop.

STOP!

Clementine opens her eyes and everyone is staring at her, watching her panicked breakdown. Violet seems scared, AJ looks so worried, and James is just staring in awe. She forces herself to stand up. Catching her breathe as she rushes to a different part of the cave, violently vomiting up the rations they had given her last night. Wiping her eyes, her mouth. She jumps when a hand rests on her back. 

It’s Violet.

“I told you. I’m gonna. I’ll be okay. I’m. Im fine.” Wiping at her wet eyes even more. Her face is so grimy. She’d do anything to go back in that shit lake. To feel frozen on the shore. To fall under the ice again. To be with Kenny and Lee…. that. That would never happen again. Clementine feels hatred for herself, she’s weak. She’s crying. She isn’t what she used to be. When she didn’t have AJ. When she’d kill men in cold blood because of a shit arrangement between them. Fuck. Another wave of this nauseating feeling runs through her. She can’t keep herself up. 

“I’m okay.” She whimpers, collapsed onto her knees. Body trembling with silent heaving sobs. Fuck. Violets hand rests on her back, a soft humming coming from her. She pulls the crying Clementine in close. This moment of intimacy. It makes her forget. About the pain. About the memories. The way Violet holds her like a child, Clementine's head resting on her chest. She finds herself letting go of this facade of strength she had. Allowing the dam to burst, allowing herself to finally release her sorrows. She feels so weak. Maybe. Just for now it’s okay to feel so… so shitty.

Sobbing like a child whose had a particularly bad day. It’s been years since she’s let it get to her. Most the time you keep moving and you forget about it. Or let it eat you alive. Clementine finally chose the proper way to cope. Seeking comfort in her girlfriend. It takes a while, but after the hours of crying, the weak girl is calm. Finally. AJ slowly walks over, fidgeting before deciding to sit by the two. The boy scoots in closer, pulling In close to Clementine. “I’ll kill anyone who touches you like that again. I’ll kill them better than I killed Lilly. They won’t even have a chance to look the way the used to when im down with them.” 

After moments of silence. Clementine quietly mumurs. “I love you guys.” Her heavy eyelids slowly closing, the heat of the fire and the warmth of her family kills her to sleep. Tomorrow would be another day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for the support! I was going to make this chapter very intense but I decided against it, it seemed like people wanted something a bit more soft, next chapter will get back on track :)


	4. Tired of this body

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What’s ra-rah-“ he struggles. “Rape?” Clementine blinks. Her eyes wide. Blinking. Once. Twice. How do you answer that to a child?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW! Still apply!

Going back to the school wasn’t easy, climbing and crying and having to take breaks. Clementine didn’t tell Violet about the fresh blood in her underwear. She didn’t think it was necessary. It was something she easily could lie about. Keep. Moving. Forward. She reminds herself constantly, when she feels dizzy she doesn’t mention it. She just keeps going. She stumbles with every single step. They’re not staring at her anymore at least. AJ walks behind her, insisting he’s her protection. He asks a question she almost doesn’t know how to answer.

“What’s ra-rah-“ he struggles. “Rape?” Clementine blinks. Her eyes wide. Blinking. Once. Twice. How do you answer that to a child? He shouldn’t have to know what rape meant. She shouldn’t have snapped like that in the cave. Shouldn’t have said those words. Now he would repeat her, now he would know what had happened in that cell. She wanted to protect him from that knowledge. AJ looked to her for guidance in this world. How could she lead him? Clementine can hardly stand, how would she teach him all the things he needed. Lee would know what to say. She wishes that Lee could’ve been here to help raise AJ. She isn’t doing it right.

She couldn’t lie. Even if she wanted to. He’s smarter than that.

“Um… I… it’s when someone hurts someone. Really bad by um.” She doesn’t know how to explain it. Tearing up trying to tell AJ what happened to her. “He Um. Tried to have babies with me but I didn’t want it.” She explains. “Yeah that’s… it’s a bad bad thing.” She says nervously.

“Oh… are you gonna have a baby now?” He asks, interest in his eyes. What? She said he tried to make a baby with her. He knows what that is. He’s seen pictures and stuff. Willy talked about weird stuff like that a lot when they hung around. He hopes Clementine has a boy, then he could have another friend.

“I hope not. I fucking hope not.” She didn’t even think about that.  _ A baby.  _ A strange memory runs through her. When she was stitching up Javi in the medical room of Richmond, hiding from Joan. 

_ “It just means you can be a mom now Clem.” _

The thought makes her shudder, repulsed by the idea of Abel’s young inside of her. Javi’s words ring through her skull. She doesn’t like that. She wasn’t having a baby from that rapist. Her frown deepens, her eyes focus more on the floor than ahead of her.  _ Just breathe Clementine.  _

“So he. Did the gross thing adults do? To you? But I thought people like… making babies. Willy told me”

Clementine shakes her head. He’s not wrong. She remembers when they caught Luke and Jane, they seemed happy about it. Everyone always told her sex was fun.”No. Not like this. He hurt me, forced me to do it. Didn’t ask if I wanted too and now I’m sick.” She explains softly. AJ frowns.

“Oh.”

“Yeah.” She murmurs, AJ just stares at her. He sees her as...Different. She knows. The way she limps, the way she can’t keep herself up properly. The way her body looks. So mangled. AJ gets closer and puts his hand on hers, looking up at her with proud eyes that make her heart twinge. 

“I’m never gonna let anyone hurt you again. Okay?” He promises. She just nods softly, flashing a gentle broken smile. Yeah. She knows he’s telling his truth. Even if sometimes he’s defenseless against it. He can’t stop time or rewind the days. If only she had her gun. They’d be okay now, she’d be safe. No one would’ve gotten hurt. 

“Thanks Goofball.” She says, ruffling his hair. Smiling, it’s pained but she means it. At least through all this shit she has AJ. Her boy. The only one who has ever stayed with her. She felt overwhelmed. Maybe she wanted to cry. Clementine wasn’t sad or anything. 

_ Happy.  _ She was  _ happy.  _

The hand at her side quickly clutches her stomach. At her end, the world steadily becomes warped. Each one of her steps doesn’t fall in line with each other. Boots stumbling over one another, cold sweat dripping from her forehead down onto the dirt path. Hands land on her hips, the memories come flooding back. That adrenaline rushes through her body as she hears a familiar grunt. It feels like minutes, but her reaction happens in seconds. Like a rabbit caught in a trap, Clementine lets the panic get to her, with clenched eyes she cries out. Her open hand flying to get the hands off of her.

When her hand is grabbed she opens her eyes. It Stops the second slap. His cheek is red. The woman in his arms turns pale. She… she didn’t mean to. He stares down at her and she looks away. She wants to apologize but she fears that the damn she was keeping in would slip. Instead, she just lets him. He puts her arm around the back of his neck, and leans down, slowly picking up the injured girl. AJ looks nervous. Clementine feels. Strangely calm, she’s frozen to the touch, pale. He’s worried about her, they just met and it seems already this girl is about to die. 

_ I did that _ .

Clementine can’t stop staring at the red mark on the man's face. He didn’t drop her. Even though that slap had to hurt.

“We need to get to your school fast. She’s not doing so good.” He urges, “she’s practically frozen!” How can someone seem feverish yet feel wet and cold to the touch? Something had to be wrong. Really fucking wrong. He’s dealt with sickness. A lot of sickness. Clementine didn’t look so good. They’ve walked miles… god. This wasn’t good. The words hit Violet immediately. Fuck! She can’t lose Clementine. Not after losing Minnie. Shimming off her jacket, she risks the falling temperature to lay it over her sickly girlfriend.

Clementine’s eyes close. Vision is useless to her when the spinning world makes the young woman’s stomach churn. She can’t keep herself awake. She feels weak. Weaker than ever before. After everything she’s been through, she wants to laugh. Though with the pain she’s in, the only noise she can make is a pitiful whimper. Letting James hold her is probably one of the most difficult things she could do. His hands felt friendly. Then again nothing was friendly after her encounter.

AJ is scared, scouting ahead looking for every possible route, him and Violet work together, James carries Clem who isn’t there. Not really. “Don’t fall asleep.” He instructs her. She’s trying not to. Oh god she is. Everything in her body aches, she just wants to pass out. 

——

When they reach Ericsson’s, it’s like a miracle. Louis is scowling down at AJ. “Look who came back.” He doesn’t seem very happy. The sneer falls when he sees Violet, AJ, and some, weird stranger wearing… walker skin? Holding onto Clementine, carrying her like a small child.

“Open the fucking door! She’s hurt bad! We need Ruby and we don’t have time for your petty bullshit!” Louis seems to change at the worry in Violet’s voice. Getting down off the post to open up the doors for the former members and The stranger. Who doesn’t stick around. He hands over Clementine to Louis and leaves. Without even a sound or a word. He was gone just like that, no one had time to care, as Louis carried the cold shivering Clementine into Ruby. Louis is less worried about the stranger, and more worried about the lack of pigment in the small woman.

“Shit? What? What the fuck happened?” Louis asks, rushing into the building, looking for wherever Ruby could be. Violet shakes her head. She doesn’t know how to answer that for Clementine.

“I. We blew up the boat. The raiders are all dead. She got hurt by two of them and then got thrown off the boat in the explosion, fuck, we think she broke her ribs or something.” She dumbs it down for Louis, keeping out the fact of her sexual assault. It wasn’t her business to tell him. She told her not to tell. Violet didn’t want to piss off her girlfriend.

—

The “operating table” is weird, she’s being pumped full of something through a strange little IV. When she wakes up she’s loopy. She feels strangely warm despite the fact of her nakedness. It’s weird. She doesn’t like it, her chest is bound better, her ribs were bruised. She needed to be careful with herself, that throw overboard messed some things up inside of her. Ruby was apologizing as she takes a needle to her genitals. It’s terrible. Without the pain medicine being pumped into her, she thinks she’d be sobbing at the top of her lungs. Instead, she’s just staring up at the ceiling of the room. It’s so pretty. How come she never noticed how beautiful this ceiling was? 

She didn’t even know what had happened or why it hurt so much. Apparently, he tore her so bad she wouldn’t stop bleeding. When she walked for so long the tear just grew, it’s why there had been so much blood in her underwear. Clementine is laying there while Ruby apologizes constantly, her face is wet. Is… is she crying? She can’t help it. Even with the medicine to make the pain stop, it still hurts so bad. Once the girl begins to cry, she can’t seem to stop. Everything around her is edging her on. The smell of her own blood, Ruby’s hands getting bloodied, the needle in her most sensitive parts. She just wants this to be over with. 

“Oh honey, he really hurt you. I’m so sorry. No one deserves this.” She says, cleaning up the blood and her hands.“There. There Clem. You’re gonna be okay.” She says, Using a clean towel to wipe at her eyes. They sit there like that for a while. Clementine cries and Ruby helps wipe it up, holding her hand. Ruby has never seen someone so defeated in her life. Never. Guilt settles in her stomach. If she didn’t vote out Clem…

“I need to ask this. Because I want to make sure you’re okay. Have you. Gotten your period yet?”

Clementine nods softly, hands covering her eyes, trying not to seem so weak. 

“Okay Clem, hey it’s okay just nod if you can’t say anything. Alright?” Clementine nods again. She understands. She just wishes she didn’t have to do this. “did he. Ejaculate inside of you?” It’s an awful question. Make Ruby wince even saying it. More tears falling from Behind her covered face. A loud, very audible sob escapes the female. Ruby sighs out, finding herself tear up. That answered the question.

“Would you. Want to keep the baby if you’re pregnant?” Clementine freezes. This is the second time. Someone brought that up.

“ _ NO _ .” 

Her voice is cold, the tremble doesn’t exist against it. Even with the tears in her voice she makes sure that… that they won’t do that disgusting shit with her. She has AJ. She didn’t need another child to care about. Much less her own. Javi better have been wrong. She doesn’t want a baby. Not by him. 

She feels a sudden realization about Rebecca's worry. Oh god was AJ… no. He was Alvin's son. Nothing more. Nothing less.

“Okay, Clem? I’m gonna need you to drink this stuff for me okay? It’ll get rid of any fetus that might be in you, okay? If you really don’t want the baby you can take this and you’ll be okay. Alright?” She says, pulling out some old tea leaves. Gross. It could’ve been worse. Carrying around your rapist’s baby is worse. Much worse. “If this doesn’t work we are gonna need to take some more extreme measures. Okay?” She says softly. “Now, I don’t want you to get all fussy and start walking around. You’re gonna be hurting again once the medicine wears off, Louis will take you back to your room where you need to rest and drink this. No more missions for you. And no more outside world. I need to make sure you stay okay. Okay?”

Clementine just nods softly.”Thank you...Ruby. It means a lot that you. Yeah. Thanks.” She wipes slowly at her eyes. Sitting up slowly, Ruby doesn’t allow her back her dirty clothes. Instead just hands her back her shirt and a pair of Ericsson’s sweat pants. Great. Fuck. How would she survive if she had to just fucking lay around like some fucking idiot?

When Louis comes in, Clementine is dressed, still teary-eyed. She blames the medicine. She just lets him pick her up. No complaints. Nothing. She’s tired of fighting. She just wants to sleep. If not for AJ. She’d pray someone kill her in her sleep. It the two don’t speak. Not really. It’s only when they walk, does Louis decide to speak up.

“I never realized how small you were… like. You’re seriously tiny, you need to start eating more.” Clem just scoffs.  _ He said the same thing.  _ She shrugs off the intrusive thought. It’s Louis. He… won't hurt her...right? At least Louis isn’t treating her any different than before. “You know, I’m happy you’re back, Violet kinda told me how much of a badass you were on the boat. I’m… sorry for kicking you out. I… I just acted stupid.” Clementine shakes her head.

“Don’t be sorry. We. We hurt you. I’m sorry that I didn’t. Realize how. Bad the situation got. Fuck.” She winces in pain. “I… bad things happened on that boat. They all deserved to die.” She growls. A bead of sweat dripping down her forehead. She’s over exerting herself trying to get out of Louis’ arms. She can walk. Or she’d like to believe she could. The idea of a man carrying her like this makes her feel weak. So goddamn fucking weak!

“Stop it Clem, you’re going to hurt yourself, just relax okay?” 

—-

It’s boring. So boring. Just laying in bed. For days. Drinking that disgusting tea that made her feel like vomiting up every single one of her organs every single time she drinks it. AJ mostly just sits in the room to “protect her” she doesn’t mind. 

Every night she has the same nightmare. 

Every. 

Single. 

Night. 

He’s grouping her, thrusting into her, it’s endless and brutal. Screams of pain. Begging him to stop please stop. 

Hot breathe on her neck.

_ “God clean this disgusting bitch up” _

Clementine wakes up in a cold sweat, gasping and whimpering, holding her head. Sometimes she wakes up sobbing. At least it’s not one of those times. She sits there catching her breath, letting a few stray cheers run down her moonlight face.  _ Weak.  _ Clenching her eyes shut, she doesn’t notice AJ. Who is slowly shuffling out of his bed and climbing up next to her. 

“Clem?” He says softly, a hand rests on hers, she looks slowly up at AJ. Who looks so worried. He doesn’t hesitate, unlike before. The young boy wraps his arms around her and pulls in closer to hug and comfort. He does something he remembers Clementine doing a lot for him when he was a baby. He holds her close and starts to hums. It’s a soft tune that she used to hum to him when he was little. Even sometimes recently when he got scared. 

Clementines calms down with AJ holding onto her, his little head rests on her chest and he hums. He makes her happy. 

“Is it. Your trauma?” He asks, after a while of calm. Clementine just nods. “You know what. You gotta sock your trauma in the mouth, just like you taught me.” He says, proud to recite something she once told him. The girl wants to laugh. Instead, she just smiles. She wishes it was that easy. 

“I will AJ. I will.” 

It’s only minutes before She ends up asleep. AJ holds her close instead of the way it used to be. She wishes. No. She knows, she should be better by now.

-

When word gets out what happened to her, people look at her funny. First it’s Louis, who stops being so friendly. Then it’s Aasim, who stares at her, writes in his “history book”. Omar and Willy don’t look her in the eyes. Even Tenn stays his distance. Gossip spreads like wild fire around the school. She doesn’t even know how they found out. Maybe Ruby snitched on her. Well.

At least AJ and Rosie don’t look at her any different. 

When she’s sitting at the dinner table outside, eating her stew, no one but AJ sits next to her. They all stare.  _ Stay calm. _ Her eyes wander, looking at that dumb book Aasim is writing in. Without much warning, even injured she’s stubborn. She kind of loses her cool.

“Why the fuck are you staring at me? Nothing has fucking changed!” She shouts.”Stop treating me like this you’re making me fucking insane!” She shouts, her face getting red. Irritation flowing through her veins. “I’m not some fucking victim. So stop treating me like one!” Everyone just stares. Clementine does something she regrets. Grabbing Aasim's book from his hands.

“You.” She hisses. “I bet you’re the one who started this shit huh? What have you been writing about me in your novel huh? Telling everyone what happened to the new girl?”

She flips through the pages. 

“Clem I swear I’m not saying anything, give me back my book.” Clementine pulls it away further. Like an angry child. She feels furious when she finds the pain.

It reads:

_ The new girl was sexually assaulted when we kicked her out, seems like she wasn’t as strong as she lets on. We are all anxiously waiting to see if she got herself knocked up. This is why women should always keep a weapon on them in the apocolaypse- _

__ Clementine hasn’t felt so angry in such a long while. “ Are you. Are you joking me?” She spits. Grabbing the page from the book and tearing it out. Dropping it back down on the table.“You’re such a fucking douche bag. I don’t know what I expected.”

“What the fuck Clem? I swear I didn’t write anything about you. Not. Not like that.” Her furry is rising. She feels like she’s about to explode. 

“Do you think it’s funny? Huh? To make fun of what happened? You weren’t there. I had two people holding me fucking down. Minnie held me down and kept a goddamn gun to my fucking temple while he raped me! Is that what you fucking wanted? Something goddamn juicy for your stupid fucking story? Did They tell you. How much it hurt? How it felt like every inch of me was on fire? How much I bled? How about how Minnie stabbed me in the fucking chest and kept twisting the knife every goddamn chance she got. How she laughed at me?” Shouting at Aasim she forgets how everyone can hear. Everyone but AJ who sits peacefully with Rosie.

“Want to hear the best part. The part no one tells you? I was a fucking virgin.” She growls. Shaking with fear? Anger? She doesn’t know. 

“Clem I…” he trails off and Clementine’s heart clenches. A hand goes over hers. “We… we just assumed...”He trails off. .

Tears in her eyes she growls. “Assumed what?”

“We thought AJ was your kid. That’s why we. We thought…” he then makes a face of pity. “How. How old are you Clementine?” They ask, she trembles. Shaking her head. Oh fuck.

She fucked up. 

This is her fault. Everyone is looking at her. It’s the cave all over again.

No.

“Fuck you guys. Me and AJ. We don’t need you. You guys are just like HIM.” She whimpers. Shaking her head. The toughness is almost gone. Only for a few seconds. Then she remembers her rage. She shakes her head and bares her teeth. Glaring at them.

When she pulls back, Aasim grabs her arm.

“Clem-“

He doesn’t get to finish. The woman yanks her arm back and spits. Just like she did with David. Clementine doesn’t regret it. Without anymore words, her boots stomp into the dirt ground, leaving the assholes at the dinner table.

She doesn’t really realize how angry she is until she punches the wall in her room out of irritation, the dry wall caving and creating a hole. Her hand hurts. She doesn’t care. The pain felt good. Like the mirror. She needs to go back out in the world again. She can’t be caged up, she’s not a goddamn animal! She doesn’t tell anyone about the hole, instead puts one of AJ’s drawings over it. It covers it well enough.

Who did that asshole think she was? Just some stupid bitch who could be walked all over? No. That wasn’t her. That wasn’t who she was. How dare he downplay the situation for his goddamn history book. How dare they lie to her. She’s nothing different. She’s still the same exact hotheaded woman that she was before. 

Her hand is throbbing. 

—

The first time she harms herself on purpose is at night. She wonders why she feels so released when she knicks herself on the thigh. A small cut really. She feels. In control of something. It makes her feel relaxed. Usually she could just kill something. Take her mind off things. She puts the knife away when AJ comes into the room. She wasn’t going to do that again.

“Those guys are Stupidheads.” He grumbles, Rosie following in after him, as happy as she can be. Clementine doesn’t say anything. She shouldn’t have reacted like that. Told her story for all those boys to hear. To like. To talk about.

_ They know you’re weak Clementine. _

She closes her eyes, her hands over her face. She wants to just scream. Instead she just breathes.

_ In. _

_ Out. _

_ In.  _

_ Out. _

_ In- _

There is a knock on the door.

Clementine doesn’t think she wants to answer it. Not with what happened at Dinner. They should just leave her alone.

When she opens the door. It’s Aasim. He’s nervous. Obviously. Louis and Mitch are watching from afar. Staring. They’re not good at hiding.

“Look I’m. I’m really sorry. About what I wrote. I thought. I thought. Maybe it wasn’t true. That’s why I didn’t want to. Say anything to you about it… I, um.” He clenches his eyes shut and scrunches up his face. “I give you full permission to punch me! As hard as you want. I was being an asshole and I want to make it up to you.”

Seems like AJ got through to them.

Clementine shrugs. Thinks. Then does. She doesn’t say anything. She just hits him as hard as she can. It’s not a punch. So much as it is a kick to the balls. She wants to take her rage out on a man. This was as close as she’s going to get.

Aasim drops to the floor writhing in pain for a few minutes, unable to really do much other than whine. Clementine holds a hand out for him.

“I forgive you. Just. Fuck I know it was bad. Like really bad. But you guys can treat me like I’m normal. Please. I hate being looked at. I’m just one of you. I’m not a...monster.”

She doesn’t even believe herself.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one was hard to write I’m ngl

**Author's Note:**

> It only gets worse from here! I’d like to thank My partner @reboldomakr. They made this possible, thank you for helping me get out of my shell and inspiring me every day , I love you so so so much, thank you boo :)


End file.
